If you have read any of my Fitness Friday posts, then you know I try to be fun loving and lighthearted. I guess that’s who I am most of the time. I have lots of “down” days, but I really try to hide those times. Whenever I have let that “down” side show, I’ve had more ladies than I can count tell me that I am looking on the negative too much; I need to trust the Lord; I need to just be grateful for what I have, etc. They’re right! I do need to be positive, trust the Lord and be grateful! Sometimes though, I need a friend. I’m thankful for all of you who read my blog. But most of you are in another state! Some of you, I’ve yet to meet. Sometimes, I need a friend with a face. Proverbs 25:20 says As he that taketh away a garment in cold weather, and as vinegar upon nitre, so is he that singeth songs to an heavy heart . I understand that. Have you ever mixed vinegar and baking soda? Try it. It fizzes and makes a great spewing volcano for a science project. That’s how I feel when I try to share my burdens with certain folks. Instead of understanding, I get an outline on “how to be happy during the bad days.” Or as the verse says, I get a rendition of “Smile A While”. To be honest, I got a little sick of it. And these were fine, godly ladies, by the way! I still love and respect each of them. But are you tellin’ me that they never get down? They’ve never had a burden so heavy that they needed to share it? If they have never been low or even mildly depressed, then I’d like to shake their hand! I sure have had my share of valleys. Some of the valleys I’ve shared on here. Some I can never share with anyone. I’m sure you know what I mean. I understand that these women were possibly trying to “cheer me up” or maybe, they were afraid if they gave in to my outpouring of grief that they were feeding the monster of negativity in me. If that happened, then I would have the pity-party of the century, or so they may have thought. Who knows what their reasons were.
What’s really scary, is the thought that maybe I have told someone who’s sharing their heart with me to smile and “put on a happy face!!”, making them feel the same way. Ouch. I sure hope not. If so, it wasn’t intentional. Therefore, that may not have been the intention of the ladies who spoke with me. So, I’ll cut them some slack. But just this once. Just kidding.
Because I am so afraid to open up to anyone, except the Lord and my husband, about certain things, I tend to do something else. I eat. Whenever someone snaps at me at church, I bite my tongue until it’s bleeding and then I go home and eat. I know, you’re appalled. I’m sorry to have appalled you. I hope I haven’t lowered my image in your esteem. What? It wasn’t high to begin with? Oh good! No harm done then!:]
Something very minor happened to me this past week. It wasn’t a big deal. Looking back, it seems silly! Most of my feelings could’ve been related to hormones or emotional instability or lack of spiritual stamina, or all of the above! I didn’t scream at anyone, or cry, or even get angry. I just felt a deep, stabbing pain inside my chest, and tears started to come, but I held them off because there were people around. I went home and started to go through my change to scrape up enough money to get a thin mint blizzard from DQ. I wanted to eat an entire tray of Sesame Chicken but I didn’t. Panda Express was closed already. Something also stopped me from going through with the blizzard idea. That something was that DQ was closed too.
As I went to bed that night, that deep, stabbing pain came back. You know what I mean? There was no food to quench it. There were no people around. So I cried. I cried and prayed and went to sleep.
It wasn’t until the next morning that I realized what I had started to do. I started to turn to food for comfort. I’ve done it before. Oh yeah, baby. I’ve eaten more than I’d care to admit here just when I felt sad! Afterwards, I feel guilty so I eat lighter for a few days and I try to workout consistently. Soon I forget about it. Till the next time. The result is that I’ve lost four pounds over and over. I can’t get back to my goal weight because I keep gaining, and then losing, gaining and losing, and on and on. I need to stop this vicious cycle. I need to stop making food my friend, and looking forward to food as my only thing to “live for”, which is another thing I often do. (When Terry tells me he’s taking me to Olive Garden, I highlight the calendar and make a paper chain to count it down. Okay, I don’t make a real paper chain, but I count it down in my head for weeks!)
This is my new goal: stop making food my best friend. That’s the role that Jesus should fill! I turn to him for other things, I need to turn to him now. After all, once I consume the blizzard, it’s gone, but Jesus lasts forever!
I am not going vegan. I am not even going vegetarian. I still plan to eat another blizzard someday. But I don’t want blizzards to be the thing I live for, or turn to in times of heartache. That’s what the Lord is there for. The song says “He’s all I need…” and that’s so true.