Thoughts from My Heart

So much has happened the last few months, and during that time, I felt as though I was in a fog, or a cold, dark cave. I am finally emerging and feeling renewed and hopeful once again. I had thought that things were improving several weeks ago – and they were – but it was merely a change of a few circumstances, not the cure for the problem. I heard a long time ago that for many of us, we cannot escape our problems, because we are our problems. The saying was, “Wherever you are, there you are.” When I suffered unknowingly with PPD almost 13 years ago, I thought my problem was my location. “If I move from here, I’ll be okay.” I thought. But it didn’t work. I took my problem with me – ME! I came back to familiar territory and faces, but my problem still existed, for it was in my own body. Likewise, a few weeks ago, my situation improved, but I didn’t feel the relief, joy and peace that I had expected. Instead, I still felt alone, empty and sad. 

So, I did what I knew to do: get in God’s Word and pray! One particular day, I came before Him in tears, with no words to say. Just grief. I asked the Lord to please DO something! Please help me! I had already read my daily Bible reading, but still didn’t feel “full”; I needed more. I opened my Bible up randomly, asking God to show me what I needed. It opened to Psalm 109: 1-4

Hold not thy peace, O God of my praise; For the mouth of the wicked and the mouth of the deceitful are opened against me: they have spoken against me with a lying tongue.They compassed me about also with words of hatred; and fought against me without a cause. For my love they are my adversaries: but I give myself unto prayer.
This passage was for me; David felt the way I was feeling! It seemed as though no matter what I did, even when I showed love to people, they continued to be my adversaries! What’s a girl to do? I asked the Lord that question, and He gave me an answer: give yourself unto prayer. Pray. A lot. That’s what I did. I prayed, I purposely changed my thoughts, I made myself get busy, and it has made all the difference. 
This time, my circumstances have not changed, but I have. 
As I sit here enjoying my quiet house, with the sunshine streaming through the window and birds singing outside, it’s easy to feel as though I’ve licked my troubles. I know better though. I know the test comes in the darkness, when the baby is screaming and the kids are quarreling and someone breaks my favorite dish! I know I have not arrived. I hope I have grown a bit, though. God recently answered a prayer of mine, and I am so grateful! I hate to admit it, but I was wondering where He was, and what I had done to warrant such a long silence from Him. I asked His forgiveness for doubting Him, for being such a wimp about things. What a joy to be forgiven! 
I’ve been jotting down some notes over the last few weeks and I am compiling them in a series called “Ministry Musings”. I’m planning to start posting them here very soon. It’s nothing profound, just some lessons I’ve learned over the last 13 years. I will not have a place for comments on those posts, I just want to be a blessing and an encouragement to other ladies. If you need to contact me regarding that series of posts, feel free to email me (please see the “Contact Me” page, above). If they are a blessing, perhaps you could pass it on to someone else. 
Thank you so much for reading. I don’t know why you do, but I’m glad you do! 
Blessings,

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6 thoughts on “Thoughts from My Heart

  1. I have had a rough 3 years. I have felt like I was ducking and weaving and dodging bullets constantly …. This post was something I needed to read. THANK you for being so real in your writings.
    We have missed you. I was excited to see this post from you.
    Glad you are feeling better and I am looking forward to reading your new series coming up!

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  2. I, too, have been feeling an awkward silence, or a void in my life that I cannot explain. But, I do believe some of it is from my own thoughts taking hold where they should not be. My focus has been mainly on ME. So, I do understand some of what you are saying, and I thank you for sharing from your heart. This post speaks to me. Or, rather, the Lord is speaking to me – through you.

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  3. Thank you for this post. There are many of us who are traveling through our own dark valleys spiritually right now. Your sharing with us how the Lord has helped you as you walk through yours is a great encouragement. Thank you for sharing how God is your refuge. (Psalm 62:8, one of my favorite verses)

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  4. I linked to your blog in my blog and suggested my readers come and read your blog.Not sure any will but I know it blesses me and thought it might them.

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