So, I did what I knew to do: get in God’s Word and pray! One particular day, I came before Him in tears, with no words to say. Just grief. I asked the Lord to please DO something! Please help me! I had already read my daily Bible reading, but still didn’t feel “full”; I needed more. I opened my Bible up randomly, asking God to show me what I needed. It opened to Psalm 109: 1-4
So much has happened the last few months, and during that time, I felt as though I was in a fog, or a cold, dark cave. I am finally emerging and feeling renewed and hopeful once again. I had thought that things were improving several weeks ago – and they were – but it was merely a change of a few circumstances, not the cure for the problem. I heard a long time ago that for many of us, we cannot escape our problems, because we are our problems. The saying was, “Wherever you are, there you are.” When I suffered unknowingly with PPD almost 13 years ago, I thought my problem was my location. “If I move from here, I’ll be okay.” I thought. But it didn’t work. I took my problem with me – ME! I came back to familiar territory and faces, but my problem still existed, for it was in my own body. Likewise, a few weeks ago, my situation improved, but I didn’t feel the relief, joy and peace that I had expected. Instead, I still felt alone, empty and sad.
Hold not thy peace, O God of my praise; For the mouth of the wicked and the mouth of the deceitful are opened against me: they have spoken against me with a lying tongue.They compassed me about also with words of hatred; and fought against me without a cause. For my love they are my adversaries: but I give myself unto prayer.
This passage was for me; David felt the way I was feeling! It seemed as though no matter what I did, even when I showed love to people, they continued to be my adversaries! What’s a girl to do? I asked the Lord that question, and He gave me an answer: give yourself unto prayer. Pray. A lot. That’s what I did. I prayed, I purposely changed my thoughts, I made myself get busy, and it has made all the difference.
This time, my circumstances have not changed, but I have.
As I sit here enjoying my quiet house, with the sunshine streaming through the window and birds singing outside, it’s easy to feel as though I’ve licked my troubles. I know better though. I know the test comes in the darkness, when the baby is screaming and the kids are quarreling and someone breaks my favorite dish! I know I have not arrived. I hope I have grown a bit, though. God recently answered a prayer of mine, and I am so grateful! I hate to admit it, but I was wondering where He was, and what I had done to warrant such a long silence from Him. I asked His forgiveness for doubting Him, for being such a wimp about things. What a joy to be forgiven!
I’ve been jotting down some notes over the last few weeks and I am compiling them in a series called “Ministry Musings”. I’m planning to start posting them here very soon. It’s nothing profound, just some lessons I’ve learned over the last 13 years. I will not have a place for comments on those posts, I just want to be a blessing and an encouragement to other ladies. If you need to contact me regarding that series of posts, feel free to email me (please see the “Contact Me” page, above). If they are a blessing, perhaps you could pass it on to someone else.
Thank you so much for reading. I don’t know why you do, but I’m glad you do!