We just celebrated our third Thanksgiving in northern Michigan. It was perfect. We had good food with no major cooking disasters (I really don’t love cooking, tbh) and great conversation. The weather was also gorgeous. No snow yet, and the sun even peeked out a few times to counteract the chilly temperatures outside. We started pulling out the Christmas decorations and setting them up. Most of all, we had so much to be thankful for.

My specific item of thanks this year is that I have finished my first quarter of teaching! I have survived the first round of report cards, parent/teacher conferences, and holidays. I feel far from experienced, but it’s a start. I have had a lot of stress trying to teach engaging lessons, getting to know my students, and proctoring all the testing that schools do these days, but thanks to my principal and our school secretary, I have made it! I’m thankful that my principal took a chance and hired a rookie teacher.

Another huge blessing is that I was approved for enrollment in an alternative certification provider, #TEACH – Training Educators and Creating Hope. I began that journey in October. I have about 25 classes to complete online and then they will do observations of me as I teach. This replaces the student teaching aspect that a regular university would provide. I had planned to go the traditional route to get my certification, but then our family moved over a thousand miles away, and I really thought my dream of teaching was dead. I am so thankful that God has opened doors for me that I didn’t even know existed! Not only that, but I qualified for a grant which will pay the $5,000 fee for this program! Again, I am blown away!

I was scrolling through Instagram this morning and I saw a Thanksgiving post made by the governor of Arkansas, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. If you know me, or have ever read my blog before, you know I grew up in Arkansas. While I do not miss the heat or the tornado watches, I do miss my home. I was blessed with an amazing childhood made possible by my loving parents. My dad is in heaven and my mom still holds down the fort in central Arkansas. Mrs. Sanders’ post of her family tromping around the area in which I grew up caused a lump to form in my throat. I suddenly missed it all so very much. I know that home wasn’t, and still isn’t, perfect, but it’s familiar. The hardest part of moving, no matter where I move to, is that it’s new and unfamiliar. You have to start over, learning everything and everyone. But that’s not true at home. Even if some roads have been re-done, or businesses have re-located, you still feel as though you belong.

In my Bible reading today – minutes after eyeballing Instagram – I read Luke 9. Verses 61-62 jumped out at me:

“Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

Ummm…ouch.

God knows my mind and He knows what I need! What a startling reminder He gave me today to stop looking backwards. Looking back is no way to thrive in the Christian life. Oh it’s easy to look back and miss, or regret, the things that have come before. I can easily miss the memories of the past and convince myself that life was better back there. I can also look back and regret my choices and actions as a daughter, wife, mother, friend, and now we can add “teacher” to that list. YES, I already have things I regret in my teaching career! I cannot go back home. I cannot go back and change my past mistakes. I can only learn from them and move forward. So, today I am choosing to look forward; to do my best to live today for the glory of God. I am trusting that He will continue to guide me with His counsel until He receives me into glory. (Psalm 73:24) I must remember that there is no place like home, and for the believer, this world isn’t it. My home is ultimately with the Lord.

With a thankful heart,

I’m currently finishing up my degree in Elementary Education. The class I’m in now, Mathematics Methods, is all about various strategies and tools for teaching math. The below quote, taken from a portion of the book that was discussing “Problem-Based Learning” caught my attention. The idea of problem-based lessons is to allow the student to find a solution – and there are many possible ones – for a problem. After the teacher explains the problem and the type of product she is looking for, she has to let the student “embrace the struggle.” The books says:

“Let Go! Once students understand what the problem is asking, it is time to let go. Encourage students to embrace the struggle. Doing mathematics takes time, and solutions are not always obvious.” (Elementary and Middle School Mathematics, p. 58)

This quote is true of math, and life. Well, my life, anyway. I have three adult children right now, (mostly) on their own. Before they left, I tried to explain the problem, and now it’s time for me to let go, and let them embrace the struggle. Sure, I’m here to embrace them any time they want, to let them know I love them, care for them, miss them, and pray for them, but then I have to let go again and let them continue their struggle.

This textbook says, “Doing mathematics takes time…” Yes, doing life takes time, too. A lot of time – at least it feels that way. It goes on to say, “…and solutions are not always obvious.” I have given my children the greatest answer book ever – God’s Word – but it requires that they read it, and yes, you guessed it! Struggle with it! It takes digging, and mulling, and faith. That last one only comes from God.

The book goes on to say, “Although it is tempting to rescue students who are feeling frustrated and uncertain in the during phase, they will learn more if you provide support without just showing/telling them how.” (p. 58)

It is tempting to rescue my kids, but you know, I don’t think that is for the best. I think they are better off with just my support and love. While I may know the correct answer to a math problem, I may not know the correct answer for their lives. God is in control, and He knows the path they should take. Their journey may lead them far away from where I think they should go, but God knows best.

Ultimately, I know they will learn more by embracing the struggle, in math, and in life.

With love,

When you grow up in a teacher’s home, you learn to love books, language, and the power of imagination. My mom doesn’t read aloud to me anymore, I say with regret, but old habits do not die early so I feel implored to read to my children each and every summer. They no longer appreciate to be read aloud to anymore.. I say that part with regret also. So, I read to myself. I set little goals for myself and try to reach them. I have been steadily working on my bachelor’s in elementary education (for those who may have been here before and wonder), and I’ve been working in our local public school as a teacher’s aide, so I haven’t read as much as I wish. I started re-reading Anne of Green Gables back in May, just for fun. I hadn’t read it since I was about thirteen, and it influenced me tremendously back then. I wondered how it would feel to traipse through the fields of clover near Dryad’s Bubble, visit the Lake of Shining Waters, race through the Haunted Wood at dusk, and of course, spend each night in peaceful slumber in the east gable after so many years. Well, it was fabulous! Yes, Anne was, and still is, a “kindred spirit” albeit a fictional one. She inspired Leslie’s middle name – Anne, with an e, and I am still glad of it all these years later.

It’s amazing how time stands still in books – I mean, for me! I felt just as much a young teenager longing for my own “Gilbert” as much as I ever did when I really was a young teenager. Amazingly, I understood some parts even better now, like the challenge of passing exams, the fear, the sickness, the thought of failure and being resigned to it – just like Anne. I also understood the pang of loss more so this time around. The following quote, where Anne refers to her feelings the night before Matthew’s death, particularly stood out to me:

“Anne always remembered the silvery, peaceful beauty and fragrant calm of that night. It was the last night before sorrow touched her life; and no life is ever quite the same again when once that cold, sanctifying touch has been laid upon it.”

Anne’s words perfectly sum up my feelings after my dad’s sudden death: “no life is ever quite the same again.”  And the sorrows of life truly are “sanctifying.” A word I most certainly did not appreciate at age thirteen.

Like Anne, I know there is laughter and joy after sorrow. God always provides grace and peace and strength, but there is also the constant threat of the shadow of that dark day lingering closely by, the pain of which I will never forget. Well, the years have rolled on and Dad’s death pales in comparison to greater emotional suffering I have experienced since that dark day in July of 2004. As Anne says at the end of the book, “…my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don’t know what lies around the bend, but I am going believe that the best does.” Sometimes the memory of great heartache can entice us to believe that only the shadows, dread, and darkness are in our future, but that’s simply not true. For the believer, the best really is just around the bend.

I am starting a new path in my own life. I should, Lord willing, finish my degree in August. I passed my own “entrance exam” in June, which for me was the Michigan Test for Teacher Certification in Elementary Education. And, best of all, I have been hired to teach the fourth grade in a nearby community! Yes! I have finally achieved a great goal of my life, to be a teacher. I will get paid to spend my days doing something I love.

Reading Anne again has brightened my life. This fictional character has reminded me of a great fact: God’s Providence is real, and He is working in my life. She has also made me smile, and that alone isn’t “stuff and nonsense.”

From my heart,

Thanksgiving was my 463rd day to live in northern Michigan. It was also one of the happiest days I’ve had since moving here. When we came here in August of 2021, I was thrilled! For quite some time I lived on the adrenaline of all the newness I was experiencing. We spent six weeks in a tiny parsonage while our belongings were in storage, waiting for our home to close and I was fine. Then, when we had to spend hundreds of dollars to get set up in our home – appliances, storage containers, odds & ends that add up – I remained optimistic. “Things will level out,” I said. Everyone was so excited to meet us and help us, everyone was so welcoming and warm as the days grew colder. I kept my head up and focused on my plans to continue my education and fulfill my dream of teaching.

It wasn’t long before I realized that getting my degree here would be nearly impossible. As the reality hit me, my enthusiasm waned tremendously about my situation. I still tried to be positive, but it sure was a lot of work. The joyous veneer wore off more and more, especially at home. I had to get a job because moving is expensive. I was so excited to get hired at a bank in town. I didn’t really expect to be hirable – I hadn’t worked in the job force for over twenty years. I was all in! I came to work each day trying to be as happy as I could be. But the job was pretty stressful, in ways that I had trouble managing. I was sweating from fear each day. When customers approached me, I was happy to talk to them, but dealing with their money was something I wanted to pass along to someone else. Each night, we had to balance our drawers, cash recyclers, and the vault – ooo boy! More sweating! What if I miscounted? What would happen? I became morose and melancholy at home. I gained weight. I cried a lot. I was too exhausted from all the sweating and heart-palpitations at work that didn’t have much left to give my family each night. I dreaded waking up each day with more money-counting in my future. Folks, it wasn’t pretty.

Finally, I resigned from that job. I didn’t really have a plan to make money when I quit, which was another source of stress in my life, but I was moving forward! I decided to try to finish my education. I took a class over the summer, but I also had to find a part-time job…so more stress. I finally decided to give up my education and see if I could just work in the school somehow. At least that way I would be able to have the same hours as my kids and I would get to be around kids. Maybe that would be enough? I applied for a secretarial job, but that job was filled. The principal called me after seeing my application and offered me a job as a teacher’s aide. I wasn’t sure I would like that role, but after counseling with my mom, who was an educator for over forty years, I decided to go for it!

For the first time in 463 days, I feel genuinely happy to be here. I am not always thrilled with the short winter days and the snow-covered roads, but every day I get to pour smiles and love into children who need it. I get to help teachers teach while I absorb all of their skills and knowledge. I get to help other children reach their goals. I can listen to their problems. I can even do some teaching myself.

I thought I had given up my dream of having my own classroom, but I may actually be able to complete my degree online! Lord willing, I will start January 1, 2023! I have no idea how long it will take me, but I am going to try. Yes, I feel too old, but I am needed – teachers who want to invest in children are so desperately needed. And it feels so good to be needed!

All was not lost at my six months at the bank. I met lots of great people, but one who I am particularly thankful for is my friend, Christina. She even went snowshoeing with me!

I am very grateful to have a job that I love. I’m grateful to like waking up each day. I’m thankful I can help our family make money. I am thankful to be losing weight! I’m even grateful for the 462 days that I was unhappy. If I hadn’t felt so low, I wouldn’t appreciate this wonderful feeling of being up.

Keep going, the best is yet to come.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

No doubt you have been at a friend or relative’s house and they have said, “Please, make yourself at home.” It means, “If you need something let me know, or help yourself. Relax and enjoy your visit.” But when you move 1,200 miles away from anything and everything you’ve ever known, there is no one there to say, “Hey, make yourself at home.” I have made just such a change in my life and I have learned that I have to tell myself this – I have had to say, “Valerie, make yourself at home, because this is your home.”

There were so many changes:

New church

New climate

New house

New town

New schools

New doctors

New dentists

New library

And the list goes on!

For example, my first Christmas here felt so surreal, like I was visiting outer space! My house felt like we were all at an Airbnb, it just didn’t feel like home.If you have ever moved, then you know what I mean. My decorations were in odd places. We had no traditions here. The weather was cold. The stores were all far away. I found myself missing the ease in which we celebrated Christmas before; I actually grieved past holiday memories and wished that things were different. It was a struggle. In the midst of all of those emotions, I had to tell myself that this was home now. We would figure it out. It takes time. We have to make new traditions. So, we did.

I have lived here almost a year now and I admit that I have felt every hour of it. I still feel like an outsider – but I remember feeling that way when we moved the time before this. So I know from experience that it will get easier. I will probably always have my tell-tale accent that reveals that I am *not* a native-born Michigander, but I will call carbonated drinks, “pop.” I will probably always be cold in winter but I will know more about how to layer my clothing. I may not know who is related to whom but I know a lot of new and amazing people now. I have gotten a new bike and am riding again after not doing it for YEARS – and it’s fabulous! I’m learning how to plant flowers because I finally live in a place that isn’t a desert and I have a friend to help me. I’m not (currently) in college, but I am taking any new opportunity for work and education that God sends me.

It certainly has been a year of change. I have tried to just dive in and make myself at home, because it really is something you have to do for yourself.

I slammed my knife, flat side down, on the garlic clove. It made a loud bang against my cutting board and I felt it smash beneath the blade. I used a decent amount of force, nothing outrageous, but enough to get the job done. In order to chop garlic finely, it has to be beaten to a pulp – literally. I have used garlic presses before, but there is something so satisfying about just doing it myself. I love trying to see how tiny I can make the pieces with my knife. The only way to have finely chopped garlic is to crush it first. When I crush it, I release its full flavor and fragrance. The scent stains everything – my hands, my cutting board, even my knife.

As I was working away in my kitchen on the said garlic, I couldn’t help but feel like the Christian life has something in common with the strong-smelling bulb. Christians are just sinners, we carry around layers of sin and human failings. Just as the garlic has been plucked from the blackness of the earth and washed off, Christians have been raised from death to life and given a new heart. However, we are still left with those layers to peel away. We can do this by reading the Bible, praying, attending church, – all of which are fun. It’s the application of what we learn in the Bible and at church that can be crushing. When someone falsely accuses us of something, it’s really hard to just wait and let God vindicate that accusation. When we are scrutinized and mocked- sometimes by other believers – it’s very hard to love them anyway, to treat them with kindness, to pray for them.

Jesus understood our plight, for He was betrayed into the hands of His murderers by one of His own – Judas. Yet, He always treated Judas with kindness. He did this because Judas’ actions were His Father’s will for His life, and Christ was always obedient. Then, Jesus’ own faithful disciple, Peter, denied Him AFTER Jesus told him that he would do just that. Not only did Peter ignore the warning of the Lord, but He apparently forgot about it until that signal from the rooster echoed through the night. (Matthew 26:30-35)

David understood this pain, too. He ran from his friend, King Saul, while Saul was out to kill him. David had the chance to eliminate Saul off the planet and take over the throne God had given to him (1 Sam. 24:10). David didn’t do that, though. Instead he patiently waited for God to work things out. When Shimei mocked David and even cast stones at him, David did not retaliate. He viewed it as from the Lord and responded with humility. (2 Sam. 16:5-14)

I wish I could say that I had always responded gracefully in cruel situations but I haven’t. Any time that I have, it is because of the fruit of the Holy Spirit working in me. You see, when a close friend or loved one looks at your face and says hateful things, when they accuse you falsely, when they gossip about you and malign you, it’s like the flat end of that blade slamming down on your soul, crushing you. It’s especially painful when a fellow believer succumbs to such immature behavior. I am learning that it is actually a gift. It is in those times that the fragrance can be released; it is then that the evidence of the Holy Spirit can be seen. Once the pain subsides, we can recognize, as David did, that it is “from the Lord,” and we can receive it joyfully. In fact, here are Jesus’ words:

Matthew 5:11-12 “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

“Blessed” means “happy” – we can be happy when we are reviled, persecuted, and falsely accused, knowing that we are in good company, that God sees the truth and knows it, and that He is working it all out for our good and His glory.

I know that I will be crushed again, and I am not looking forward to it. But it is necessary. I pray that when I am crushed next time, I will also be fragrant.

I Corinthians 2:14-15 But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing,…

Some mothers leave their children a chest bursting with homemade quilts. Others pass down jewelry, or that famous recipe for fried chicken (or whatever). My mother has passed down a godly testimony, and it is worth more to me than all the quilts, jewels, or fried chicken that the world has to offer. She has consistently (no, not perfectly, but faithfully) turned to the Word of God for her strength. She has applied its principles and claimed its promises. She is also an award-winning educator who strives to make everything relatable. Thankfully, she has not just used her talents in the pubic school classroom, but also in our home.

When I had my first baby in 1999, my world was turned upside down. I thought I was prepared, but I wasn’t. Motherhood demanded more of me than I thought I could give. I didn’t know it then, but later I learned that I was also dealing with postpartum depression (PPD). Becoming a mom is amazing and wonderful, but also life changing, even without PPD. I felt like I was drowning. Terry got his first ministry job in a church in West Virginia, so we had moved 950 miles away when I was seven months pregnant. When my daughter was born, I dealt with fear and panic. I called my mom in Arkansas almost daily. She offered a sentence that I immediately clung to back then, and have continued to use as an anchor ever since. It was simply this, “Valerie, focus on getting through the first day, the first week, and the first month.” She said, “Look! You’ve made it through the first day! That’s one you can mark off now! It’s only two days till you can cross off the first week! By the end of the month, everything will look so much better.” Her perspective made my life manageable, and it has been priceless.

I’ve dealt with many changes since that “first day, first week, first month” in 1999. I had four more children, and with each one, my prayer, my “mantra,” was “God please help me get through the first day, first week, first month.” He always did. For each of our moves to new places, that sentence has been in forefront of my mind: first day, first week, first month. When I started college at age 42, I was completely overwhelmed, but I celebrated the first day, the first week, the first month.

Yesterday, I gave a condensed update on our lives now – we just moved 1,200 miles to Northern Michigan! We are in a temporary house while we await the closing of our home here, so another move is in my future. My current situation is that I don’t know where I am most of the time, or even where I put the scissors after I opened that last box. I can’t find the checkbook. I’m dreading the winter. And I sound like a hillbilly up here. My mind is filled with questions and insecurities, things that could easily cause me to fret and even panic. But I know that God is capable of seeing me through the first day, first week, first month – and beyond.

And guess what? Today, we have lived here an entire week! I feel better already.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

Recently, my family and I just moved 1,200 miles! We left our home of eight years in a mid-sized city in southwest Oklahoma and moved to a small town in Northern Michigan. I would love to tell you the entire story from start to finish. A tale that began about two years ago in a seemingly insignificant way, when something small happened. Something I didn’t even think was a big deal. That issue festered and grew and became a full-blown problem last February. The situation was fraught with sorrow for me. I shed a lot of tears, including during a church service. As I sat in my pew, thinking of what great ruin that “little foxes” (as King Solomon put it in Song of Solomon 2:15) caused, the tears fell down my cheeks in sheets. I stared at my husband while he preached and mouthed to him, “I’m sorry” (for crying like baby in front of the church). Everyone was staring, including my kids. Thankfully, that only happened once in public. The private tears and private pleadings with God would continue as the situation only worsened in March, April, and May.

Then, God brought about great change in our lives when my husband began the interview process with a church in northern Michigan.

We put our house in Oklahoma on the market in June, but had no idea where God was moving us at that time. My prayer was literally, “Lord, we don’t know what to do. Your word says to acknowledge you in all our ways, and you will direct our paths (Prov. 3:6), so I’m asking you not to sell this house if we should stay, or to sell it if you want us to go. And if it sells, let it at least cover our mortgage and costs.” I remember signing the contract to sell the house at our kitchen table and thinking, “I hope we don’t go homeless.” and then, “That’s silly, God won’t leave me homeless. But does God promise to house stupid people? Because this could be the most stupid thing we’ve ever done.” But, sign the contract we did, and eleven days later, we had four offers on our house on the same day. We accepted one of the offers, still with no idea what we were doing or where we were going. Our closing date was set at August 19.

Terry began the interview process with Faith Baptist Church in northern Michigan in April. After a few weeks, that process petered out as they decided that Terry was not the man for them. Terry had not said much to me about this church, so when they said “no,” I wasn’t heartbroken. Later, I learned that Terry was very disappointed. But, like always, he takes the “hits” and soldiers on. In late June, we traveled to Wisconsin to meet some folks at a church there. (Our house is on the market, remember, so we had to go somewhere!) Almost immediately after Terry booked the tickets to fly to Wisconsin, Michigan called Terry and said they wanted us again! So we picked up the interview process with them. Terry did a Zoom interview, then the two of us flew up for an in-person interview, then finally, the whole family flew up when Terry preached for a vote from the people to be their new pastor. He got the vote and accepted the pastorate on August 1! Now, we at least had a job, but what about a home? During our five day visit to Michigan as a family, we looked at two houses on the market in our price range. One needed thousands of dollars in work, so that meant we would try to get the other one! After Terry got voted in, we made an offer. I’ll be honest – I fully expected the seller NOT to accept our offer, even though we offered more than the asking price. Homes here (and everywhere) are selling fast, and there are people with deeper pockets than we have. I told our realtor that if this isn’t the house, then God will provide something else. (And, to my own amazement, I believed myself.) On our last day in Michigan before we went home to pack, we got a text from our realtor while we were shopping at Mackinaw Outfitters that the seller accepted our offer! Terry and I hugged in the middle of the store and nearly shed tears of joy and praise to God. We flew home and began packing. The plan would be to move to Michigan around the time of our closing date, August 19, whether we had a home in Michigan or not. Now that we did have a home, the closing date was well past the time we’d have to be out of our Oklahoma home. We planned to just move into the two bedroom parsonage until God put us where we needed to be.

On August 8, 2021, Terry gave a touching resignation from the church we had given eight years of our lives. August 15 was his last Sunday there. Our Oklahoma church had walked with us through tremendous personal heartache, and we had walked with them through funerals, illness, a pandemic, and a plethora of other joys and sorrows. We had planned to be there forever, but God had other plans for all of us. So many things happened that I would have never expected in a million years. In the book of Job, God uses the Sabeans to attack Job’s family and property. God ordained this evil in Job’s life to fulfill a purpose. Joseph’s life is another example of God using evil for good. He still does this today. Any “evil” that may have happened in our lives was all for our good and God’s glory. That truth brings me peace as I try to unpack, find my way around, and adjust to a whole new life in a whole new part of the country. I find joy in knowing that God works through people, and I’m so grateful for the people in both Oklahoma and in Michigan.

I’m writing this from our temporary home in Michigan. We packed up our home in two trucks on August 17-18. A man from our new church flew into Oklahoma and drove one truck to Michigan. Terry drove the other truck which also pulled our second vehicle. I drove the myself and the kids in our Dodge van. We stopped in Tulsa to see our firstborn and have one last meal together before the move, then we visited Terry’s grandma in Mattoon, Illinois, and then made the last leg of the trip into Michigan. We didn’t have any help loading our trucks, but when we arrived in Michigan, there were around 12 or so smiling faces ready to help us unload! And they had already unloaded the first truck for us! Since then, people have brought food, flowers, eggs, and money for pizza. I am overwhelmed with fatigue and gratefulness! Thanks to their kindness, I’ve had time to recover from the physical strain of packing and driving eighteen hours, and to do other important things like ride my bike on the “rails to trails” and write this blog post. Thank you, Faith Baptist, for all you have done for me and my family.

We’ve been here almost a week and have accomplished a great deal. The kids are all enrolled in school, we have a bank account, and Leslie is on the volleyball team. Okay, maybe we haven’t gotten a lot done, but it’s a start.

Lord willing, we will do more, so stay tuned for more of our Michigan adventures. 🙂

With love,

I’ve been a born-again child of God for almost 28 years. I was saved when I was fifteen years old and since, then, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Therefore, in the intervening years, I’ve also had to make a lot of apologies to both fellow-Christians and non-Christians alike. Interestingly, I have had a 100% forgiveness rate from the non-Christian population. When I have done someone wrong at work or elsewhere, and I’ve apologized, they have said, “It’s ok,” and treated me with kindness.

In the church, or the Christian world, it’s another story. I have about a 90% success rate on receiving forgiveness there. Why is that? Shouldn’t Christians immediately forgive, since they are aware more than anyone of their own sin-riddled condition? They have experienced eternal salvation by the sinless Son of God! They should revel in that blessing and desire to shine that light to everyone, they should understand mercy, patience, self-control, the struggle between what one wants to do, and what one should do (Romans 7), yet, when I have apologized, they have stared at me and walked away. Or they have never replied to my written apologies. I do not know why this has been the case.

I do know that all I can do is apologize. I’m not perfect. I can’t live a perfect life. No one can.

I also know Christ has forgiven me, and He continues to be not just generous with His forgiveness, but philanthropic with it! He will never, ever stop forgiving me. God is the One I will face in Heaven someday, He is the only One who can judge me, and He has judged me as righteous because of His Son, Jesus.

I also know that I can forgive others. As far as I know, I have a 100% forgiveness rate myself. If anyone has ever come to me and apologized for hurting me, I have forgiven them. Granted, there have been times I have been hurt and that person has never said they are sorry about it. But I try not to remember those hurts and I strive to move forward in love and kindness regardless. If they ever do desire my forgiveness, I’m ready to give it.

I don’t understand why Christians don’t forgive. It’s a mystery! I just know that I don’t want to be that kind of Christian.

I’ve been thinking about Arkansas a lot lately, my home state. I really just want to go “home,” but then I thought, where would that be, exactly? I grew up in Hot Springs and Benton (not Bentonville, that’s where Walmart is, Benton is near Little Rock), but it’s been many years since I have had an actual address in either city. I have lived in Kansas, Texas, West Virginia, and Oklahoma, as well, and I like things about all of those places. And, though I do still call my parents’ house “home,” it’s not really home now. I know that if I could pack up my family and take over my mom’s house, it wouldn’t be the same. Dad is in Heaven, my siblings, Kevin and Melanie, don’t regularly visit, and my mom has redecorated the whole place in the intervening years. Not only that, if I do move “home” I will find problems exist there, too. I will still have bills and will still get sick. Maybe I want to just rewind time, and be twelve again? No. Scratch that. Those years were hard, too.

I guess the home I really long for is Heaven. Seeing my Savior face-to-face, singing His praises, being free from pain, tears, and the horrible, nasty word “goodbye.” I wonder if I will be able to hug the Lord when I get to Heaven? I know I will be able to worship at His feet. Yes, I am definitely looking forward to arriving at that home. Not that I have a death wish, but I am ready. I know I still have so much to do, but I am also genuinely tired. Like Paul, I can feel the constant warring of my carnal desires against what the Holy Spirit wants me to do and I feel like I’m always doing the wrong thing (Romans 7:18-19).

As you can imagine, this line of thinking led me into a depressed state. When I ponder how wrong I am, how wrong I will continue to be, and how futile this whole life feels sometimes, well it’s a drag. Then I thought again about home, in particular, Hot Springs, my birthplace. Hot Springs was the first national park, because the it was the first “federal government land reservation set aside for public use, a status achieved on April 20, 1832, when President Andrew Jackson signed the legislation to protect forty-seven hot springs on the slope of Hot Springs Mountain” (Encyclopedia of Arkansas). The water that flows from the springs is about 140°F, and it doesn’t matter whether the air temperature is 104°F or – 4°F, the water stays hot. In both summer and winter, you can see the steam rising. Anytime of year, it’s a sauna (pun intended, feel free to visit any number of spas on Bathhouse Row). No matter what the circumstances are around the springs, two things always happen: the water is always flowing, and it is always hot.

That is what God is for me. He is always faithful, always present through the Holy Spirit, and Jesus’ is always interceding on my behalf. His salvation is complete, the work is done, and Christ is seated at the right hand of the Father. It is permanent. If I continue to feel depressed, my salvation is secure. If I am happy, my salvation is secure. If I am lazy, my salvation is secure. No matter what, I cannot lose Christ.

One day, the hot springs and the entire world will be no more, but even then, my salvation is secure.