motherhood · thoughts-from-my-heart

Hanging On and Letting Go

I’m only five weeks (not counting this one!) from finishing up this school year. Yep. Just five short, long weeks to go. I’m doing all I can to keep putting one foot in front of the other. But, I am in a strait. I want to be done, and I don’t want to be done. If I am done, then that means I have completed another year of my children’s education – which is a good thing – but it also means another year has gone by. That’s kinda sad.

This past week, I was planning my 2nd grader’s reading assignments, when I came upon this story:

 bennys-flag

It’s not a heart-rending story. It’s about the Indian boy who designed the Alaska state flag. I’ve never been to Alaska. I don’t even know anyone in Alaska. So why did this make me blue? Because as soon as I saw this picture in her Abeka reader, I remembered the first time I heard a young girl’s voice read to me about Benny and his design. I was suddenly back in the bright school room in our sprawling Texas parsonage. I could smell the pencil shavings. I could see the Berber carpet on the floor, and her small hands as they gripped the sides of the book. I could see the tiny newborn I was holding, too. This week, that tiny newborn will be reading to me about  Benny and his flag! When that thought hit me, I stopped writing out lesson plans and let my eyes fill up with tears. Then I sniffed and shook it off. I had to stay busy. I gave myself a pep talk: “I’m not letting myself spiral downward. I am thinking on that which is true – like Philippians 4:8 says. As much as I enjoyed having a sweet little girl named Lauren in second grade, the truth is that she is now in 10th grade. The truth is that I cannot go back.” I finished up my lesson plans and kept busy. But I know I will struggle with these emotions until I leave this world.

That little girl who first read to me about Benny so long ago, is taking Driver’s Ed. this week. She is thinking about what to major in in college. I am letting go, slowly but surely. She still needs me, even though she won’t readily admit it. But even that is part of letting go: she is becoming independent. That’s supposed to mean that I did my job right. Funny how it seems like a bad thing right now.

I had such a hard time learning to be a mother. I wanted to do things just right. Of course, I made many mistakes and still do, but I tried to heed all the (good) advice I was given. Everyone said, “Enjoy each day, because it flies by!” so I did. But even though I enjoyed each day, the days still passed. I had to hang on to them, and then let them go.

Life is hanging on and letting go, and giving God the glory in the process. And even though I struggle, I will never be alone in my struggle, for the Lord is with me.

For of him, and through him, and to him, are all things: to whom be glory for ever. Amen.

Romans 11:36

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4 thoughts on “Hanging On and Letting Go

  1. Surely every mother’s heart understands completely. Oh, how you hate for your little ones to grow up! However, you wouldn’t want to stop them from growing up even if you had that power. It is a conflict we all share. I guess that’s why memories are called precious.
    I love you.
    Mother

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  2. It’s true! I feel the same way. Our kids are so special to us. We just have to step back and let them do it on their own while we hold our breath and trust in God. I have a much better appreciation for how my Mom must have felt many times.

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  3. Yes, the end of school is bitter sweet. But as the kids grow there are many new adventures. You’ll begin to see the advantages. Hang in there!

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