I am continuing with my reading of If by the late Amy Carmichael, missionary to India. I have been convicted time and time again by the brief paragraphs which comprise this book. In reading some of them, I have to really stretch my mind to fully grasp her meaning. Others jump right out at me and bop me between the eyes. 


The following paragraphs really hit home, especially in my capacity as a pastor’s wife. My job is serve people. I do my best, but I so often fall short. I go to bed some nights struggling mentally with “what I should do to show love to my church family.” And then, sadly, other nights, I go to bed grumbling mentally over some off hand remark that someone made to me. I’m such a contradiction! I know it grieves my Lord, and therefore, it grieves me. These passages gave me much food for thought. My goal is to love my Lord first, and to love like my Lord. If I can do those things, I will be a much better pastor’s wife,  mother,friend, and the list goes on.


From If:


If I know little of His pitifulness (the Lord turned and looked upon Peter), if I know little of His courage of hopefulness for the truly humble and penitent (He saith unto him, “Feed my lambs”), then I know nothing of Calvary love.


If I deal with wrong for any other reason than that implied in the words, “From His right hand went a fiery law for them. Yea, He loved the people”; if I can rebuke without a pang, then I know nothing of Calvary love.


If in dealing with one who does not respond, I weary from the strain, and slip from under the burden then I know nothing of Calvary love.


I especially struggle with that last one. I often grow weary of the work and want to slip out from under it, like a child sliding from his mother’s lap. I must keep working, even when I am weak.


Striving to love like HE loved,

Ouch.


No, I didn’t just stub my toe. That was a groan from the Holy Spirit within me; a wince of pain from my soul as I feel the sharp pangs of conviction after today’s reading of If by Amy Carmichael.






I read today:
If I can write an unkind letter, speak an unkind word, think an unkind thought without grief and shame, then I know nothing of Calvary love.


Ouch, again. I must say, I’m guilty of writing unkind letters and words, and I’m definitely guilty of thinking unkind thoughts. I’m even guilty of spewing out these words from not just my pen or keyboard, but from my lips!


This is particularly convicting to me today. I find it to be no coincidence that I read these words today. I just deleted a blog post that I spent the better part of an hour composing last night. It was not my typical style. In this post, I let out all of my frustrations with my fellow Christian. My one consoling thought is that I did get under conviction after I wrote it. So much conviction, that I could never bring myself to hit “PUBLISH POST”. I re-read it this morning with fresh eyes and fresh heart and was compelled to hit “DELETE”. Now, I am ashamed that I ever thought those things and wrote about them at all. You will never see that post, but my Heavenly Father did. Oh! How I hate hurting Him! Yet, I continue to do just that!


This book has sent me to my knees many times to repent of my selfish, thoughtless and loveless actions. I need my Father’s help so badly.


With a heavy heart,